Both my Husband and I haven't been with our families for the holidays since last summer. Our jeep gave out then, and it's just been hard trying to get the funds for a flight home. After thinking about that for awhile, I wondered if all the stress we're facing seems harder since we're here alone. So much has happened over the past few years. After having Samy, things seems as if they're trying to get better.
Samy. His is a whole other story.
What I'm thinking is.. ..given all that has been going on lately, and how hard we're fighting for each other. I wondered if we'd be happier moving closer to our families. Now, we're being pulled by both sides to go back. In all honesty, we've discussed this in the past and have both agreed it's not something either of us are ready to do. We've made our own life here. We feel independent, and proud we've come so far on our own. I personally have always wanted our own life in a place where other's couldn't "interfere". I wanted to be able to say 'Look what we have accomplished on our own, isn't it wonderful?'. We have. We've done it several times. Now I'm at a place where it seems ..pointless. Yes, we love it here. Yes, we want to stay. YES, I want this to be Samy's home. It IS his home! He was born here. Given all that's going on, we're happy, this is what we want! And though I don't want either family to interfere with how we have chosen to live, how we have decided to raise our only Son, what we deem valuable in our lives, our personal decisions about ANYthing, or any kind of controlled manipulation of a relationship that is rightly OURS. I have come to a crossroad commanding a decision.
Samy.What's best for him? He won't know the true meaning of family. I love our families. I always have, and that will never change. No matter what wrongs they, or we have done to each other. I know he will grow to be a good honest and hardworking Man, even if we never go back. These are values which are important to us, as so many other parents out there.
I just don't have it in me to keep fighting it anymore. ..I do feel as though I'm giving in to something I don't want. But if I look at the greater scheme of things, it's what needs to be done. I'm afraid of what might happen. It's always in the back of mind. The manipulation, the gossip, the little hurts which may happen. However, I don't truly know that's how it will go down. It's our family. They simply want to be there. Who are we to deny them that joy? It's times like these that we remember them. It's times like these we miss them. It's times like these, that we wish we were all together. How will Samy know that kind of Love, if he's not exposed to it? LOVE. It's the greatest lesson you can bestow on our children. Our Child. Our Samy.
With Love in My Heart,